From the Office of the Ex-Vice President

This is the text of a letter sent to my grandfather in October of 1973. The envelope had a return address of "The Office of the Ex-Vice President, Mr. Spiro T. Agnew, Washington, D.C.," but the letter was signed by Bob Haldeman of The New Republican Society. My grandfather, a Republican, has been dead for many years, and no one else had any further insight into the letter. Here it is exactly reproduced:

Dear Friend:
We have the distinguished honor of being on a committee for raising five million ($ 5,000,000.00) dollars for placing a statue of Richard M. Nixon in the Hall of Fame in Washington DC.
The committee was in a quandry as to where to place the statue. It was thought not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor besides Franklin D. Roosevelt who never told the truth, since Nixon could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it besides Christopher Columbus, the greatest new dealer of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving did not know where he was. He returned, not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Isreal, "pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the promised land". Nearly 5,000 years latter, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses. light up a camel - this is the promised land."
Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising the price of Camels, and mortgaging the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has any money after paying taxes, we will expect a generous donation as a contribution to this worthwhile project.
Very truly yours
Bob Haldeman
P.S. It is said that President Nixon is considering changing the Republican Party emblem from an elephant to a condom because it stands for inflation, halts production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.
Published: 2011-04-24